I notice old habits creeping back.
They do so very quietly and sneakily–or actually, they may very well be stampeding in with a battle cry of “we shall not die!” and I choose to ignore them because somewhere, not so deep inside, I welcome them back. Either way, I’ve noticed my tendency towards hoarding calories during the day so I can feast at night* is alive and well. My relationship with food is fine during the day. Food is fuel. But come evening, food becomes more than just fuel.
In the same vein as last week’s update though, maybe that’s ok. If I have nothing else planned, why can’t my evening repast become my main source of pleasure and something to look forward to?
OK, keeping it real… as soon as I typed that I knew it wasn’t OK. I was making excuses in my head with e a c h l e t t e r I t y p e d .
The truth: it is a problem. It’s a problem when I start thinking of ways to get out of plans so that I can hole up with this evening ritual… It’s that old obsessive addictive behavior coming back to life in my neural synapses (I have no idea if that’s where it comes back to life but it sounds good)—like the Ring and Gollum in The Lord of The Rings. My precioussssssss.
These voices (this voice?) are what I imagine a schizophrenic feels like. They call to me and start “rationalizing” why I should change my behavior to suit their hunger. They are so persuasive. So agile in their ability to seduce and persuade. It’s quite astounding if I think of it.
Even more confounding if I think what their bait is. It’s vapor bait. There’s actually nothing there. It’s a complete mirage—a mirage I’m apparently willing to fall hook, line, and sinker for.
Which brings me back to one of my original intentions on this journey—to be a better friend to me and to take better care of myself both physically and mentally. The phrase “you are your own worst enemy” is something I have realized and felt so fully. I see how I keep myself back from happiness, from a full life. When I choose to give in to “the voices”, it’s just that. A choice. I have a choice to opt for something better. Thankfully, last night I did.
*feast is a relative term these days. In my current reality, a feast equals 800 calories or two-thirds of my daily allotment.